Road rumors, for rumoring roads

– If you get runover on the right roads, you’ll never actually die by any means.
Just ask all the roadkill that still hasn’t stopped moving.

– There is an actual living breathing bodhitsattva wandering along the roadways of the world.
And if you meet him strike him down! Before he strikes you down first…

– If a person knows how to listen, the individual cobbles of old cobbled roads will tell you a story.
Of course, few people who know how to listen know how to not listen as well.
That’s why I always carry a sledgehammer, why won’t they shut up!

– Performing Robert Johnson’s Crossroads Blues at an actual crossroad will cause someone to die near that crossroads at midnight.

– Heard of that guys who has been buying up all the coke in columbia? They say he’s going to fill in the gaps in the white line down the center of some highway, so that it makes one huge line.

– They say flashing your butt at certain restaurants as you drive by them on the highway brings you good luck, a new cat and a dead body bruied in your back garden.
The Good luck is that you often put the body their yourself, and the cat is very good at covering both yours and its tracks regarding how the body got their.

– Burning a car on the off ramp is the only way to stop the highway monsters chasing you.
Though sometimes the burning rubber just makes them mad instead.

– Highway Monsters look like Cadillacs, but taste like Chevrolets

– Highway monsters are the spirits of long dead hitchhikers who were killed on highways by people offering them a lift.

– Locking yourself in the boot of a car belonging to people who don’t know you in anyway is The One True Way into Heaven.
But you have to consume their livers without ketchup (yuck!) when they reach their destination and repeat this with another three hundred and thirty two other car owners.

– If you make a voodoo doll of yourself that incorporates cloth from your favorite clothes, a picture with major personal value to you, and is soaked for 24 hours in a mixture of all three major bodily fluids (spit, piss and blood) and which is placed in a car that is driven over the edge of a very high cliff, you will set on fire and it will be reported that your body was found burnt to death in the car that was pushed over the cliff. You will remain on fire indefinatly but you (and only you) will be immune to the heat and flames until one of your loved ones finds out that you are alive and well.
At which point you will be burnt to a crisp.

– Road works are never neccesary, someone has a dire need to obstruct traffic for no reason sane reason, some say the CIA, I say the KGB, my cat reckons it’s James Dean, who of course never died and has been in charge of things for quite sometime.
Actually it’s Santa’s Society (I don’t know what it’s a society of exactly so don’t ask) that are responsible, but don’t tell my cat, because he’ll kill you.

– Santa Doesn’t fly, he travels across the ground like normal people but He knows which roads to travel and in what order to visit every house in the world in the space of one night.
Of course for the last three decades he’s been using his mystic knowledge to travel to every body’s house each morning and hide the car keys of people who are running late. I haven’t yet needed to change the bait in my foolproof anti-santa trap after christmas though.

– Never tip a valet after midnight or they turn into hideous monsters that hunger for the flesh of humans who drive convertibles. Trust me, I used to be a valet.

– Some people are really close to their cars, so close that scratching certain people’s cars will actually leave scars on the owner’s penis. Most of them just need a good rear ending if you ask me…

– Old soviet era Lada’s are the fastest cars in the world, but they’re depressed and need to have prozac in their gas tanks before they’ll perform to their full potential.