Cosmic Cereal.

“Give it to Mikey”, they said. “He hates everything.” They were right. Mikey DID hate everything. Everything. Rice Krispies. Cupcakes. Rain clouds. Kittens. Electrons. Mikey hated everything, and he hated everything with a brooding passion that made even the most lustful Romeo seem like a damp, grey piece of wood. This filled Mikey with grim satisfaction, as he hated lustful Romeos. Unfortunately, he hated grim satisfaction as well.

So great was Mikey’s hate, in fact, that for years he sought some way to eliminate everything that ired him. He thumbed through the foulest arcane texts, before ditching their mighty powers as mere playthings compared to what he sought, and finally divining the writing on the walls of the universe itself, trying to find the power he needed. Soon he did, and after pulling off a surprisingly simple ritual involving a bag of pop rocks and a can of Coca Cola, Mikey gained the power of God for a single moment, and used it to unmake existence.

One would think Mikey would finally be at peace. There was nothing left of the world, nothing left to infuriate him, and he wasn’t around anymore to be infuriated by it either, and for seven years of un-time (as the space-time continuum had been erased) this was true. But over that time, as he floated about in the ether of that which was not, Mikey still felt hate growling within his soul which was no more. For Mikey hated non-existence just as much as he hated everything else. Bitter and angry, he reinstated the Universe, retroactively rewriting the years in which it hadn’t been there. Consequently, the years between 1985 and 1992 never actually happened. The biggest tip-off to this lies in the invention of New Coke; released in 1985 and discontinued in 1992.

Mikey may not have ever even bothered to bring back the Universe, had he not longed for the one thing he didn’t hate: Life Cereal. Through some grand fluke of the cosmic order, this one little tidbit of infinity was untouched by Mikey’s eternal loathing. And though he hated the joy it brought him, as thoroughly as he hated how it made him feel, he could never bring himself to hate Life Cereal itself. The Cereal was not to blame, for The Cereal was pure and good. It was his one true love, and it is for its sake that the universe still exists.

So purchase Life Cereal, and sate Mikey. For if the company goes under, eternity is forfeit.

Interesting tidbits: I didn’t make that bit up about New Coke only being around from 1985 to 1992, and coincidentally the original Mikey commercials for Life Cereal stopped running in 1984. Spooky, no?